How You Talk to Yourself Makes a Difference

I actually believe we are ALL things. We are smart at some things and dumb at others. We are both sure footed and clumsy at times. We are all sometimes introverted and other times extroverted. We can all be beautiful and we can all be ugly. Therefore no matter what we think/believe we are we will be able to find evidence to support that belief. 

Let's talk about the truth of your beliefs in another way. Let's say I asked you to give a 10 min presentation about a topic you know well in front of a crowd of 1000 people. It doesn't matter what the topic is, if the sample size is large enough and we were able to get unfiltered evaluations from the attendees someone in the audience would think you were an amazing speaker and someone would think you were a terrible speaker and all things in between. Someone would think you were smart and someone would think you were an idiot. Someone would think you were handsome/beautiful and someone would think you were ugly. Pick a category and you would be able to find perceptions on the entire spectrum of all of it. So then, what are you? What are you worried that you are? Turns out the only thing that matters is what you choose to believe about yourself. Said another way, what could you believe about yourself that would be helpful to you. 

Imagine you, like most people, talk down to yourself all the time. Let me ask you this, does it help you become less of who you don't want to be and more of who you want to be? My guess is probably not. If it's not an effective strategy in helping you become who you want to be consider dropping it. This does not mean you shouldn't have high standards by the way. If you use high standards to prove to yourself you don't measure up you have a belief you're somehow less than and you're looking for evidence to prove it true. Remember, I mentioned periodically there's stuff in your brain you're not going to want to look at. Just a reminder, practice having curiosity, courage and compassion with whatever is in there. So if you're the kind of person who has high standards you use to make yourself feel small start to notice what you're saying to yourself and practice doing it in a more compassionate way.

An extreme example of negative self talk is my mentor. She was HARD on herself, like vicious and mean, body shaming, all of it. As she became more and more aware of how she was talking to herself she eventually she got fed up and decided she refused to be her own biggest bully. Instead she decided she would become her own greatest champion. 

Let's get more specific about how to do that. The easiest way to start is to ask yourself what you would tell your favorite person, the person you're most loving to in your life in the exact same circumstance. For example, let's say you drop a carton of eggs on the ground breaking them. You might typically chastise yourself by calling yourself an idiot, asking why you do such dumb shit or even just saying "typical." BUT, if you asked yourself what you would tell your favorite person if they did the exact same thing it would be VERY different. Whatever you would say in that moment to your favorite person is how you REALLY feel about situation. For example, you might say, "it's no big deal, let's get it cleaned up, that's what stores are for." You don't actually believe "you're an idiot." Also, does calling yourself an idiot help you to not drop a carton of eggs? In case there's any confusion, no it does not. It seems it's in the design of human beings to be imperfect so like it or not you will be making mistakes your entire life just like the rest of us. 

Make this real in your life. Start to notice how you talk to yourself. Capture it in some way if it's helpful or prompt yourself throughout the day to remember to notice. Also start to ask yourself what you would have said to your favorite person if they had done the exact same thing you just did. Share what you discover.